Back to the start. The problem with moving forward is looking back. How do you know youre in the good old days until they are the olden days? How do you know the old moments you will long for in the future are now? 

Once again, I grasped it; longed for it. That ‘it’ you feel when your high off the feeling of being in sync. Feeling of giddy, of giggles, of lust. The stomach drop cant breathe cant sleep reach for the moon feeling. Id had it before, true love. Young love. The not knowing cant know wont understand what it is until its gone love. and so I set them free, let them down, let him in. Let him in, in the hopes that the signs and the silence were nothing, that the looks and the longing was everything. That the circumstance of our lust and chemistry surpassed the broken friendship, the tears of another. In the wrong, I trusted my gut. My 19 year old ‘do what you want when you want it’ selfishness. Brushed off my inhibitions, and told myself this was true. A fool to trust. A dreamer to dream. 

In my last week of teens, I feel off. Where did these years of supposed ‘growing up’ go? nights crying over unrequited lust, demanding studies and family obligations, laughter with my forever friends Sarah and Paul, moments of youth stupidity and fearlessness. Am i grown up as I move on to my 20s? I would say I was more mature at 13 than I am now. Is that normal? Cant know, wont know, are these the good old days? Is then the now?

With friends who make me feel invincible, a family who I know and love forever, and a city to remind me of youth and joy, I am looking forward to the new memories of this incredible new decade of years. To being older, but not much wiser. I hope my willingness to do the unknown grows, my heart grows, my mind grows, and my smile grows. And I promise, to do everything in my power, to be the spark. 

when we were younger, we thought everyone was on our side, then we grew a little and romanticized the time i saw Flowers in your hair. 

Cause its a long road to wisdom, but its a short one to being ignored.

I promise to be more responsible. With my heart and with my soul.

To 20.

I have that feeling. That feeling ive had before. I thought i understood it, but i didnt. not really. not the ins and outs, the drastic dangerous devotion and dreamy days of you and me. the halves that halve you in half. I have that feeling, the tossing and turning, the tingle of your touch. the thoughts that race while i dream of the moments to become a reality.

I know it could be the start. that moment when you see yourself down the road and you know youll look back and want to relive it. where everything is good and right and happy.

 I want you to want me the way i want you. 

slut. so.lonely.utterly.tragic. who have i become. since graduating high school its been a complete 360 on who i am. how i feel about myself. my take on life, how i feel about guys, and generally my reality. for 2013 I had many resolutions. be nicer, eat healthier, cry less, love more, exc blah blah blah. any of it is barely happening. But the one I really fucked up is trying to have a handle on life. because honestly im 19 and im OK with not having a clue. I makeout with more people in a weekend than days in a week, and I cry about it. I throw up after when im drunk and also when im sober, after meals, and when im sad. and I cry about it, but i do it again. I tell myself to call my mom and I dont. I try to do better in school but honestly, who am I kidding? I watch girls clips on youtube because i will NEVER get an HBO subscription and im ok with knowing the story line one youtube video at a time. It gives my imagination more to play with anyways. two weeks is valentines day and surprise! im single as balls. but am I unhappy? like no. Do i think i could be a professional writer? definitely not but my twitter occasionally gets some likes and retweets so I wouldnt go straight to saying im unconfident about my ability to profess english on the internet. 

The ‘young love will last forever’ phase is gone. and Im happy about that. realistically he wasnt the best fit for my life and caused me a multitude of problems that wouldve eventually happened, better sooner than later. He made me grow up. He gave me inhibition about opening up to love. He took my virginity. He made my pillows wet with tears many nights, and in the end he stole some of my heart. 

The ‘lets hookup with anyone and everything that is moving when im belligerently wasted’ phase i would like to think is over, but its not. Last summer was the start to my crazy, carefree, YOLO teen life. Its made me grow. Maybe not up, but probably sideways. Ive laughed and cried and noticed significant changes about who I like, who I trust, and how I want to be known. 

Ive noticed when i’m down I wish my life were a tv show. but honestly it could be. I makeout with people on streets, my phone goes off in class, I dance naked with my roommates and have an open door policy regarding the bathroom (whether it be toilet or shower.. were open), and ive contemplated creating a survey to find love, applicants welcome. Ive parted my hair this way and that, stumbled in heels larger than my IQ and held the hands of many strangers. I have body issues. I drink alcohol. I also still sleep with a stuffed animal Elephant with no name and a baby pillow. I think the fact that my elephant doesnt have a name should mean something but im too involved thinking about myself to really instigate how I feel about something so constant in my life. Always thinking about the inconsistency. 

Relationships have gotten better. Cutting one loose opened room for others that were more important but blurred with my teenage goggles. My parents and I have gotten closer now that Im out of the ‘young love’ phase, and the ‘casual sex withex boyfriend but lying about it’ phase. I love my mom. and I love my dad.

Sarah will always be there for me. Though shes drastically ADD and has a terrible memory to call people back. She needs me. and i’m starting to realize how much i need her. How much i needED her in high school when she wasnt there. How many nights I cried without her. But honestly im emotional and crying isnt anything new for me.

I’m happy on my own right now. Mostly because im in this transition where I dont trust anyone, but want someone special. Its a give and take. I’m kindof stuck in the mollases of the moment and cant go forward or back without either side of the rope budging. It feels good to write again. Sorry Ive been on year hiatus while my life slowly fell apart and I rebuilt it again. 2012 was definitely a year of new. I needed it, but i need 2013 too.

To a new beginning. whatever that may be.

theclotheshorse:

Kathryn of Kitsune-kun

thedustdancestoo:

i want desperately
to press you between the pages
of a book, and keep you
forever. 

finally here! and finally writing again. I will attempt to keep posting throughout the summer as I document my amazing and *hopefully* unforgettable internship in the city, at DVF, with two great friends, more than enough shoes, and some hefty enthusiasm. We’ve (Victoria and I) have been here for a day and a half and are already figuring out the city~ ish~! Tomorrow I start my slavery and cannoooooot wait. Until later~ lydinthecity

everyone needs courage to let go. to move forward, to take those steps. to walk across that bridge. to free themselves from the pain. to move towards happiness. it all begins with that first step. take it.

stronger than you will ever know.