Back to the start. The problem with moving forward is looking back. How do you know youre in the good old days until they are the olden days? How do you know the old moments you will long for in the future are now?
Once again, I grasped it; longed for it. That ‘it’ you feel when your high off the feeling of being in sync. Feeling of giddy, of giggles, of lust. The stomach drop cant breathe cant sleep reach for the moon feeling. Id had it before, true love. Young love. The not knowing cant know wont understand what it is until its gone love. and so I set them free, let them down, let him in. Let him in, in the hopes that the signs and the silence were nothing, that the looks and the longing was everything. That the circumstance of our lust and chemistry surpassed the broken friendship, the tears of another. In the wrong, I trusted my gut. My 19 year old ‘do what you want when you want it’ selfishness. Brushed off my inhibitions, and told myself this was true. A fool to trust. A dreamer to dream.
In my last week of teens, I feel off. Where did these years of supposed ‘growing up’ go? nights crying over unrequited lust, demanding studies and family obligations, laughter with my forever friends Sarah and Paul, moments of youth stupidity and fearlessness. Am i grown up as I move on to my 20s? I would say I was more mature at 13 than I am now. Is that normal? Cant know, wont know, are these the good old days? Is then the now?
With friends who make me feel invincible, a family who I know and love forever, and a city to remind me of youth and joy, I am looking forward to the new memories of this incredible new decade of years. To being older, but not much wiser. I hope my willingness to do the unknown grows, my heart grows, my mind grows, and my smile grows. And I promise, to do everything in my power, to be the spark.
when we were younger, we thought everyone was on our side, then we grew a little and romanticized the time i saw Flowers in your hair.
Cause its a long road to wisdom, but its a short one to being ignored.
I promise to be more responsible. With my heart and with my soul.